your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
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I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
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I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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