Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
