is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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