i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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