I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
