Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
