I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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