for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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