I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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