So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
