she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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