we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
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This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
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At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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