Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
