thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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