im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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