the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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