He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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