i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
