I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he wants to bone in the snuggie
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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