your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I stole a fireplace last night.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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