Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
