it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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