Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
