He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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