Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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