I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
