i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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