I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
