Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
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There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
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She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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