Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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