last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just blew my weed a kiss
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
