I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
