The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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