Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize