Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
