i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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