Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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