you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
