We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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