I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
