I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
ugly people sure do ruin things
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
