last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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