So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
