then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
