you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
