I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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