Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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