Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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