Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.