Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
