you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
