Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
