What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
