I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
soo... how was my night?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
