So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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