have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
