If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
