Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
